Love terrifies me. Like, the idea of being that vulnerable with another person completely terrifies me. How do you know when it’s real? How do you know this person would never do anything to hurt you?
That can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars , over the fence, World Series type of deal….how?
Is it possible that in spite of all the pain/hurt that you’ve experienced, is it really possible to experience REAL love? That love when all the other person wants to do is be there for you, protect you, cherish, and adore you.
When I was 16 I thought I’d found it, turns out that was just a cracked out version of lust. It was intense. I mistook it for REAL love.
Now….at 22….I’m terrified of love. Maybe it’s the vulnerability or even the thought of another person actually wanting to be with me in a REAL way.
All I know is I’m absolutely TERRIFIED.
Sad Tales of A Chickenshit
Once Upon A Time……
There was a young woman who was perpetually afraid of her own shadow. Her own shadow being LIFE…..better known as guys, feelings, and friends. The common factor with all of these things is the word Confrontation.
Firstly, after attempting to try and put herself out into the dating world (by way of Tinder ) she was propositioned with a pic of a guy and the options of “Like” or “Nope.” She was slapped in the face by the app because finally she had to confront the feelings that she’d buried down deep many, many (ok, 8) years ago. Having been confronted (slapped hard) by these feelings, she decided to NOT be a chicken shit and click “Like”. It was only when she took that risk that she started to heavily doubt her decision. It wasn’t because she didn’t like him, she still did, and was still trying to hide it….even from herself. It was because they were friends/friendly in high school, they had classes together and were both in the school band. She feared both the rejection and the ruining of a friendly relationship.
Secondly, this young woman had a HUGE problem. She buried all of her emotions and constantly masked them in order to not actually feel them. She avoided talking about them at ALL costs and had a problem expressing them. This young woman thought it’d be better if she didn’t show emotions and continued to be numb. Basically, she didn’t want to feel. Her life from the beginning had been nothing but pain. If she was numb to the pain then it would be easier for her to go through life. She could walk around with a smile on her face because that was her mask. She had everyone fooled but mostly she was fooling herself. Now, she’d been confronted by her feelings (a steady river of overflowing feelings).
Thirdly, this young woman had friend issues. She constantly felt that her friends, new and old, didn’t really want her around. She had a friend that she’d known for almost 15 years and they were practically like sisters…..or so it seemed. This friend did the one thing that a friend close enough to be a sister should never do, she BETRAYED this young woman. From out right lying to her face (fully knowing that this was one of the young woman’s biggest pet peeves) to spreading this young woman’s business to deflect from her own pure messiness. Things that this young woman had told the friend in the strictest of confidence had become public and now it seemed that to the friends mother, the young woman’s life became like a game show to her. This young woman had another friend who basically only contacted her when it was convenient for her (the friend). This made true young womb feel useless. A third friend revealed something about someone else to a higher up…..and it wasn’t her place to involve herself in someone else’s business. When the young woman told the friend that it wasn’t her place to reveal someone else’s personal business or the higher up; the friend took it as the young woman scolding her, but that wasn’t the young woman’s intent at all. She was just letting a friend know to stay out of business that wasn’t her own. The young woman suddenly felt like a burden on her friends.
This young woman had being confronted in all aspects of her life, she didn’t know where to go or what she should do. She had no one to turn to.
Based On A True Story